A Very Professional New Protest Song
It’s been awhile since there’s been a brand-new protest song on this page. The last one was all fire-and-brimstone punk gospel rage, inspired by the protests over the George Floyd murder last summer. This one is…um…somewhat more lighthearted. Scroll to the bottom for chord changes and performer notes. This one’s easy and is set to a Bo Diddley beat:
Dr. Faulty
Hipe!
Hop along, hop along
Doop doop!
Hop along
BAAAAAAAAAA
Back in 1986 when Al Haig was king
The fomma boys made some noise and they sho’ liked to sing
Passin’ stones through the hole to the man who’s given head
For a blanket of immunity when the needle’s in the red
Hipe!
Hop along, hop along
Doop doop!
Hop along
BAAAAAAAAAA
To think it all began on that uneventful moan
Mr. Meese and the Thought Police droolin’ on their porn
The House of Representatives hittin’ on the jug
Dr. Faulty crawlin’ up your leg from underneath the rug
Hipe!
Hop along, hop along
Doop doop!
Hop along
BAAAAAAAAAA
Twinkletoes the Sailor Boy was givin’ up the ghost
He used to be patty cake but lately he just toast
Throwin’ Rumplestiltskin for a shot of AZT
Doing all the kind of work they say will set you free
Don’t ask me, ’cause I don’t know
Dr. Faulty told me so
Dr. Faulty makes investments in all the goods from China
Vents and stents and stuff the ladies put in they Instagram
His face is on the rag and the rag is on his face
But only if he see you walking round the place
Hipe!
Hop along, hop along
Doop doop!
Hop along
BAAAAAAAAAA
Dr. Faulty will tell you all the right things to invest in
If you don’t know that smell, boy, you don’t have intestines
Gimme double order of them green eggs and ham
And a pocketful of cabbage from Uncle Sam
Hipe!
Hop along, hop along
Doop doop!
Hop along
BAAAAAAAAAA
These days Dr. Faulty is the man who calls the shots
Some say he related to Mary Queen of Scots
The sharper the blade gets, the closer the shave
But he’ll still be in this circus when he’s laughing on your grave
Hipe!
Hop along, hop along
Doop doop!
Hop along
BAAAAAAAAAA
As you can see, this one leaves room for belching, flatulence and barnyard noises. That’s because it’s a parody of hippie rock. It could be other things as well, but that’s up to the listener, and the performer, to interpret.
Let’s face it: 80% of commercial music released since the 1950s is white people making fun of black people. This blog figured it’s time to make fun of white people who make fun of black people. You probably noticed how the lyrics to this one are written in completely over-the-top phony ebonics. That’s because so many hippie rock bands are bigtime offenders when it comes to white people singing in what’s essentially blackface.
Now it seems that every how-to book about writing hit songs includes at least a full chapter dedicated to nonsense syllables. So in order to make this song as professional as possible, it’s all nonsense syllables until the first time through the chorus – it starts with a chorus and then goes to the first verse.
And those nonsense syllables are important! Let’s review each one.
The first one, “Hipe!” is like a bark. It’s short and sharp. You could burp it. In fact, by the time you get to the last time through the chorus, you ought to burp it if you can. You could do a long one – “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipe!” or a short burst of “Hipehipehipehipehipe!” for example.
You can give the “hop along, hop along” after that a gentle naivete. Next is “doop doop,” which is where the girls in the band, or the guys who like to sing falsetto, get to go up the scale. Pretend that you’re Elvis’ backup singers for two syllables.
Finally, there’s the BAAAAAAA where you can channel your inner barnyard animal. That would also make a good belch if you can hold the note for awhile.
Musically, it’s very simple. Key of C with a Bo Diddley beat and chord pattern. That’s C, C, C C, C-C-F for the first line and C, C, C, C, G, G, C for the second, then repeat on lines three and four for both chorus and verse. There’s only one single “Don’t ask me ’cause I don’t know, Dr. Faulty told me so,” and that’s C-Bmin-C. The main vocal line is up to you: you can get crazy or keep it really chill. Likewise, if you want to get fancier with the changes, go for it. That’s what folk songs are all about.
The ending is very important. This is a fade. You decide where among the nonsense syllables to fade it down. Fades are also a very professional thing. They basically send one of three messages. The first is “We couldn’t get our shit together and figure out to how end this properly.” The second is probably the most common one: “We were too high in the studio to get it right all the way through.” The third is “We have so little respect for the listener that we didn’t bother coming up with an ending. This song is so bad it doesn’t deserve one anyway.”